Day Five: Stamford, CT to Portland, Maine

Mile 254.6 – After a few days in NYC, we’re now in our new Pontiac G6. Jon & Jeff already miss driving in luxury in the Impala. Jeff is now the navigator, since the NeverLost™ is no longer in the car. Good luck with that.

Mile 259.2 – Pen explosion during Miley Cyrus Notebook recordtaking. Hi, we’re five seconds in and Jeff is already half-dead via exhaustion, starvation and ink-infection.

Idiot!

Mile 259.6 - Rest stop for coffee, bagel and hand cleanse. Once the ink is gone, Jeff dries off by using the Air Blades, which almost kill him.

Mile 261.2 – Jeff sips coffee picked up at rest stop. His tongue suffers third degree burns and perishes.

Mile 267.7 – Jeff finishes bagel he picked up at rest stop, is now slightly less dead.

Mile 270.2 – Jon puts on New Kids on the Block. Jeff perishes again.

Mile 273.1 – There’s a rap breakdown in the middle of NKOTB’s Click Click Click. There’s a mental breakdown on Jeff’s side of the car.

Mile 273.5 - Jeff pours the coffee into his ears in an attempt to block out New Kids. Sadly, the coffee is no longer scalding, but now Jeff has HazelnutEarInfection™

Mile 275.9 – Jeff is a terrible Miley.

Mile 283.1 – Jon abandons New Kids on the Block. Jeff rejoices briefly, until Jon plays Lady Gaga, so he goes back to being dead.

Mile 291.8 – We are in a Pro Cream Puff area.

Mile 292.6 – Kimberly Road. We’re seeing her soon!

Mile 294.0 – Weoooo Yale! We don’t stop.

Mile 294.8 – Hi, we’re on I 91.

Mile 295.4 – Ahhhh! Fog Area!

Mile 299.2 – Ahhhh! It’s raining pebbles! Connecticut is very dangerous!

Mile 300.6 – Jon hits his head. He continues to miss the Impala from the first half of the road trip.

Mile 304.6 – Santa Energy: "That’s how the reindeer get around," says Jeff, on his way to Comedy Jail.

Mile 330.5 – Bradley Airport! Where’s Keith again?


Mile 331.2 – Ahhh! Boston Signage! We’ll see you tomorrow!

Mile 340.8 – This is Jeff right now.

Mile 341.2 – Cruise Engaged! Jon says: “To Katie Holmes!” Jeff puts Jon in Comedy Jail, surprisingly for the first time during this trip.

Mile 343.2 – This is also Jeff right now.


Mile 347.6 – Jon rolls down the window. Jeff: “Connecticut is cold. Fuck that.”

Mile 352.8 – We get off at exit 69. Of course we do. And of course it’s wrong. Idiots.

Mile 353.0 – No longer lost; still missing NeverLost.

Mile 353.8 – Rest Area. This one has a Dunkin Donuts. Jeff cheers, gets fatter.

Mile 354.1 – Back on the road!

Mile 359.7 – Ashford, CT signage. Jon asks, “Where’s Simpson?” Jeff reminds Jon of his position in comedy jail.

Mile 367.5 – Welcome to Massachusetts!

Mile 414.0 – We’re on our way to the Natick Mall, which seems very popular.

Mile 414.5 – Parked for lunch at what we are told is the largest Mall in New England. It’s very fancy. Too fancy to be called a mall--so it refers to itself as the Natick Collection. This mall is so fancy, in fact, that you can buy a Golf Course inside!
No, thanks.

Mile 414.9 – After lunch, trapped in the Natick Mall parking lot. F’d in the A, as usual.

Mile 415.8 – Out of the mall parking lot. Good day, Natick Mall. Enjoy your fanciness.

Mile 417.6 – Despite having Crabby Patties for lunch, Jon & Jeff enjoy some Jelly Munckins, courtesy of Dunkin’ Donuts. Because, after all, America Runs on Dunkin™!

Mile 421.4 – Emilee’s Italian Ice.
This girl looks neither Italian nor happy about her position on the back of the truck.

Mile 422.5 – Jon and Jeff are fucked.

Mile 423.1 – Actually, turns out that only the Cape Cod visitors are fucked. HA!

Mile 423.4 – Ahhhh! Reduced salt area! Watch your sodium!!!

Mile 424.3 – We’re on 95 North, our home for the next 112 miles or so. It feels like a giant rumble strip. Fuck. This.

Mile 425.9 – Actually, as it turns out we’re fucked after all. Jon: “I hope to God it’s a fucking accident.”

It’s as if we’re traveling on a Holiday Weekend or something.

Mile 426.6 – “Turn off Cell” What? No! WHY? We are NOT in the air. Jon and Jeff do not cooperate.
Mile 426.9 – It took us four minutes to go one mile, everyone. J&J consider walking.

Mile 427.3 –Apparently, ramp narrows so much, it cuts off edges of sign.


Mile 427.5 – Jeff tries to placate Raaaary Traffic Jon. It does not work.

Mile 427.9 – Six Minute Mile. This could, theoretically, take nine hours.

Mile 428.6 – Jon and Jeff hear that UkeStock is in town. A ukulele convention! It’s no International Tuba Convention, but Jeff wants to go. Jon turns the radio off.

Mile 428.9 – Five minute Mile. Jeff repitches UkeStock. Jon does not respond.

Mile 429.6 – J&J see flashing lights up ahead. Jon’s prayers may be answered!

Mile 429.9 – Oooh, a three minute mile! We’re really zooming now!

Mile 430.7 – Minuteman National Park. Jon wishes we were going a mile a minute, man.

Mile 432.3 – Jon channels Bookie while listening to 90’s radio on XM. Clearly, traffic + Jon do not mix.

Mile 433.8 – Traffic goes away as everyone seems to be going to Middlesex. GET OUT!

Mile 436.5 – F’d again. Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.

Mile 438.7 – We are at a dead stop. This could, theoretically, take the rest of our lives.

Mile 440.1 – Crystal says drive safely... Then cuts in front of us. If we were going more than two miles per hour, we’d be dead. If only.
Mile 449.5 – The road suddenly clears and we drive at a normal speed. Jon yells: “THE ROAD IS EMPTY! THERE WAS NO ACCIDENT! THERE WAS NOTHING!!” Jon bursts into tears.

Mile 475.5 – Entering New Hampshire. Live free or DIE!!! Jeff and Jon scream in terror.

Mile 478.6 – NH is very excited about their lottery and liquor. Because nothing says freedom and death like gambling and booze. This is Jeff’s kind of state.
Mile 491.4 – Maine state line! See you tomorrow, New Hampshire!


Mile 492.6 – Maine is sign-y. Jon: “Who are they to tell me how to live?!”


Mile 494.8 – At a rest stop littered with signs. Jeff says the rest stop is helpful...




...while Jon considers it Bossy.


Mile 495.7 – Maine. Another sign.

Mile 498.3 – Ahhhh! Rumble Strips! Fucking Maine!

Mile 500.0 – 500 Miles! Jesus, is that IT???

Mile 502.8 – People frolic in Maine.

Mile 505.9 – There should probably be a sign about this:

Mile 507.7 – Watch for Moose in Roadway. Jeff wonders where Christine McGlade is.

Mile 508.9 – Lots of Police Activity! And a man handcuffed to a pole on the side of the road. OfCOURSEJeffis.

Mile 509.8 - Welks Sanford. “And Son,” Jeff adds, still from Comedy Jail.

Mile 511.3 – 25 Miles to Portland!

Mile 515.5 – Hi, the signs all have Kilometers on them! We're next to Canada!

Mile 533.9 – Big Fat Speed Trap. Maine doesn’t take any crap from anyone. It’s not like the rules aren’t posted everywhere.

Mile 537.1 – Portland!
Mile 541.7 – Hi, there’s a cat show down the street from the hotel. We don’t stop.

Mile 541.8 - Maine: It's not just for lovers and toucans anymore.

Mile 542.1 – Hi, Holiday Inn By The Bay. Jon: “It’s not by the bay. It is three blocks away and up a hill from the bay!” Jeff says they didn't say it was "on the bay" and believes "By the Bay" to be an accurate description. Jeff wonders if anyone is even still reading this?