The Pre-Infection

For me, this year's Road Trip began with a nightmare car ride to the Burbank Airport, courtesy of a senile old driver. While I dozed in the back seat, he decided to take me on the scenic route which, as it turns out, was in the opposite direction of the actual airport. When I awakened, I struggled to get my bearings and, upon realizing we were actually driving away from my destination, I asked "Are we going the right way?" He turned and calmly replied: "No."

Oh. Well, this seems like a problem.

He told me they closed the road he usually takes. At this point, we were so far away from the airport, I wasn't even sure if we'd make my flight. I asked him why he wasn't using his navigational system, and he grumbled about technology and kids and music videos before telling me to get off his lawn.

As he slowly fumbled with the navigational system, he asked "Do you have time for this?" I said: "No, because I HAVE A PLANE TO CATCH!" Hi, that's why we're going to the airport, Grandpa. He picked up the pace a little bit and told me that we were very close to the airport (We weren't.) Eventually, he managed to drop me off with mere minutes to spare.

Afterwards, I had a layover at the Dallas Airport, where the first thing I saw upon getting off the plane was this:


A Proactiv skin care vending machine. Because apparently everything really is bigger in Texas... even the pimples!

I spent a few days in Philly (Home of the $3.00 Ho's!)...

. . .hanging out with family and friends. I am a creature of habit when I return home, usually going to my favorite restaurants, eating my favorite things, and seeing my favorite people. My friend Jessica and I visited the same restaurant we hit almost every time I'm home: Nifty Fifty's. It is, at its core, a crappy diner with pretty delicious milkshakes and a 1950's decor. (And by "1950's Decor," I mean waiters who wear paper hats.)

I usually get a big, greasy bacon cheeseburger, but this time, there was something new on the menu. And, after all, these Road Trips are all about New Experiences:

New Experiences such as the Royal Felet Mignon sandwich which, according to the menu "is so outstanding, we registered it with the U.S. Patent Office!"

"I've never eaten a patented sandwich before! How could I go wrong?" I foolishly thought.

Jessica rolled her eyes as I ordered this fancy meat. (Something she is quite used to doing after more than fifteen years of my shenanigans)

Well, as it turns out, you can go wrong by ordering a patented sandwich:


...especially when Onion Rings are involved. And some sort of cheese-substance.

Anyway, after lunch, Jessica and I returned to her house, where I let her child play with a toilet we found on the street:

After Jessica took her son away from the pink Philly Curb Toilet and went inside to sanitize him, I maybe utilized it when the Patented Sandwich began to melt me from the inside out. Sadly, no photos exist of this experience. Except possibly at the police station.

Anyway, I had a great time hanging out in Philly for a few days with my friends...

Clockwise from Me O'clock: Quinn, Anne, Kev, Zanne, Xavier and Stacey! Wee!

Bock & Kake™

BigSean & Becky!

Toni Ryan: Queen of The World

CLINTON--obviously thrilled to see me.

...while staying with my loving family...

When Ralphs Attack

The Wacky Family!

...but now, it's time to start the Road Trip Portion of East Infection 2008! I'm on my way to pick up Jon in Dover, Delaware (The City That Means Well!™)

Oh, by the way Jon--I'm running late. But at least I'm driving in style in this 2008 Cherry Red Chevy Impala...
...which we'll be using to infect the Delaware, NJ portion of our road trip!